


If I die young

by gayforthewilds



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Shelby lives with dot, Shelby needs a hug, Shelbys personality is a little different compared to the show, Toni/fatin brotp, cause fuck Dave goodking, dot/Shelby brotp, still struggles with homophobia tho, they are 19 in this, toni is soft for shelby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29597652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayforthewilds/pseuds/gayforthewilds
Summary: Toni and Shelby are in the same friendship group, but have always been enemies.When Shelby's best friend, Becca, takes her own life. Shelby becomes unhinged. Can Toni save her before it’s too late?TW- a lot of mentions of self harm, suicide, drugs and alcohol. internalised homophobia, conversion camp, grief.Shelby is more accepting of herself in this, they are 19 and Shelby lives with Dot.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

Toni _has been friends with the same group of 8 girls for as long as she can remember. All through out high school, and now in their first year of college together in California.  
_

_Toni honestly has no idea how they all managed to end up at the same college or as flatmates in their dorms,_

_Shelby would probably say it’s some action of God.  
_

_Ah, Shelby. Toni and Shelby have never explicitly been friends, always throwing insults at eachother. if they weren’t apart of the same group they would probably have never even looked in the same direction as eachother._

_however, Toni can’t deny Shelby is attractive. How infectious her laugh is, how her makeup is always flawless, how kind and pure she is towards others, how Tonis heart always skips a beat when she’s around._

_But Toni does what Toni does best, and ignores it.  
_

_Toni however, has always had a soft spot for Shelby. Especially when her dad kicked her out for her attraction to woman. She made a subconscious deal with herself to protect Shelby as much as she could._

Toni makes her way down to the canteen for lunch, where she makes her way over to the 7 girls who are currently there, and places herself beside Martha, and opposite Shelby.

”Where the fuck is Dot? She never misses lunch.” Toni questions 

“Probably rolling a joint and lost track of time” Fatin smirks 

“Or maybe she’s just running late.” Martha reasons.

the girls talk amongst themselves, but Toni decides she’s not in a good mood and picks a fight with Shelby.

”I’m so sick of your fucking ponytail, I feel like it thinks it’s better than me.” Toni snarls.

Shelby however, just ties her hair up into a messy bun and smiles. “Better?”   
  


“barely.” Toni mumbles.

”I just don’t understand why you run so hot all the time.” Shelby says, almost as if she’s asking for an explanation.

Before Toni could respond, Dot is running in. The look on her face makes Tonis stomach drop.

”Shelby dude...” dot says lightly “I’m so fucking sorry.”   
  


“What’s wrong Dottie?” Shelby asks with a reassuring smile

”it’s Becca.”

Shelbys smile falters, instantly.


	2. the sharp knife of a short life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The loss of Becca Gilroy.

_loss. death. how does one deal with that?_

Shelby wish she knew how.   
  


Her friends hadn’t heard from her in weeks. Last time they seen each other, was at Beccas funeral when Shelby had leave early, Dot and Fatin both at one side, because the pain was too much to bear.   
  


Shelby felt crushing guilt. sadness. anger. pain.   
  


_How did she not notice before it was too late?  
_

_How was she going to cope?  
  
_

_Why would Becca do this to her?  
  
_

She didn’t want to pray. Sometimes she wanted to drink her feelings away. Sometimes she wanted to stare at photos of her and Becca and reminisce and cry. Sometimes she wanted to join Becca. Sometimes she wanted to erase her from all her memories.

There was an unbearable ache in Shelby’s heart, and it wasn’t going away anytime soon. 

Shelby had multiple unread messages from each girl. She wasn’t ready yet. She just had to hope they would understand.

She even had messages from Toni, despite their rocky relationship. 

But all she wanted was Becca. She longed for one of their regular movie nights, filled with romcoms, horrors, a pizza delivery, tons of junk food and occasionally some alcohol. Becca was her best friend, she loved each and every one of the girls but no one knew her like Becca did. 

Shelby tried to feel any other emotion but grief. She tried to feel embarrassed when she thought about her piercing screams when Dot broke the news In a crowded dining hall, her inability to sit through her best friends funeral, she tried to feel anger towards whoever/whatever made Becca feel so down.

but she couldn’t.   
  


she was overwhelmed with grief.

This lasted for weeks, until Shelby started to feel numb.

no sadness, no pain, no anger, no tears.

just numb.

nothing.   
  


Then, after almost two months had passed since Beccas funeral, Shelby heard a knock on her bedroom door.

shelby hadn’t left her room once, unless it was for the bathroom. Her hair was matted, she had became visibly thinner, her eyes stung from all the sleepless nights.   
  


Dot understood. She would leave food outside Shelbys door and endless bottles of water of the past weeks.   
  


But Dot was becoming increasingly concerned, and gathered all 7 other girls to her home, took a deep breath, and knocked on the bedroom door.

Shelby didn’t look like Shelby anymore. The death of her best friend had broken her into pieces.

Shelby stared in shock towards the 7 friends standing outside her bedroom door, she couldn’t find the strength to string a sentence together so she just attempted a weak smile.   
  


“Hey, Goodkind. We’re here to clean you up a bit. Thought it might help.”   
  


Shelby felt a little warmth inside her watching Fatin smiling, whirling a hairbrush around as if it would solve all her problems.

In hindsight, Fatin should have left that hairbrush at home.


	3. I've had just enough time

All of the girls felt heartbroken for the grieving blonde. 

Toni, specifically, felt extremely guilty. She had been teasing the girl just moments before Shelby found out and never got a chance to comfort her. She and Shelby had never been close but she wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

When Shelby opened the door and seen the girls, she shot a small smile at Toni. Toni smiled back and felt reassured that Shelby didn't seem to hold any grudge towards her. 

Toni lost her mother when she was 13 years old. Her cause of death was ruled a drug overdose. Toni was never able to forget the image of her mother lying cold on the floor. 

Toni wasn't the only one who knew about loss, Dot was familiar too after losing her father. Luckily, she had the girls around her as a support system and now she wanted to return the favour to Shelby. 

Once Shelby hesitantly accepted the offer, all the girls got to work. 

Fatin, Leah and Nora headed to the kitchen. Fatin pulled out multiple bottles of vodka, which resulted in glares from Leah and Nora as if to say 'what the fuck?' 

"What? Just in case." Fatin said defensively.

Leah and Nora started preparing Shelby's favourite meal, while Fatin ran back upstairs with her hairbrush to fix Shelby's hair. 

Upstairs Martha was doing facemasks with Shelby, while Dot put on 'But I'm a cheerleader!' in the background, knowing it was Shelby's favourite movie.

No one was mentioning Becca. Shelby wasn't sure if it was because they wanted to give her space or because they were walking on eggshells around her.

Toni was beside Martha and Shelby, handing them all the facial supplies they needed.

Just after they had finished washing their face masks off, Fatin burst through Shelbys bedroom door.

"Time to fix that hair bitch!"

Shelby took the hairbrush from Fatin and began brushing. It hurt. Alot. Her hair hadn't been touched in months and now it was so matted that it felt almost rock hard. 

It wasn't the pain that bothered Shelby, she often used to turn to self harm methods to feel some sort of relief, although it never really provided that.

It was when the hairbrush got stuck, that was when Shelby panicked. 

She had felt stuck all her life. Growing up in a Christian household gay, being forced into pageants, being forced to date boys.

Now Shelby felt completely stuck in the trance that used to be her bestfriend, unable to escape grief, unable to be happy. "Its stuck." Shelby said, panic rising in her voice. Dot, Martha and Toni looked up alarmingly. 

"Let me help." Fatin said quickly.

"ITS RUINED ITS RUINED ITS STUCK ITS DONE" Shelby screamed, Leah and Nora downstairs froze as they heard what was going on. Before any of the girls could stop her, Shelby was gripping onto the scissors she had found in her bathroom, and was frantically cutting off her golden hair while sobbing inconsoleably. Shelbys hair got to shoulder length when Fatin was finally able to pry the scissors from Shelbys hand. Before anyone had a chance to say anything, Shelby ran. 

Toni wasn't sure why she felt so soft for the blonde, considering they were known to hate each other and Toni was known to have a tough exterior. 

But she felt horrible, so she went to find her. 


	4. As the world caves in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni+Shelby have a heart to heart

Toni wasn’t sure where to find Shelby, but she had already left the house.

As if Dot could read her mind, she received a message;

_She’ll be at the park around the block. near the forest._

Although they bickered, Toni still wanted to protect Shelby. She knows she had been through hell and back once her dad kicked her out and Toni will always feel a little guilty for ever doubting that.   
  


She made it to the park and walked towards the forest and seen the blonde, knees up to her chest, sobbing.

”hey” Toni said softly

Shelby looked up, a little startled and still had tears welling in her eyes.

”hey” Shelby replied with a small smile.

”So, I don’t know if this is the right time, but I got you something.” Toni says, a little sheepishly, while sitting beside her. Toni didn’t really know how to help Shelby, but she thought of a gift that might’ve been nice. But now she was starting to doubt wether it was too soon but it was too late as she handed the box to Shelby and she watched as Shelby took a deep breath before opening the box to reveal a photo of Shelby and Becca, in a delicate silver frame.

More tears started to roll down Shelby’s face as she admired the gift. Toni was the least expected person to do this for her but Shelby felt warmth inside knowing that she got to experience Tonis soft side.   
  
“Toni..I-I thank you so much. It’s amazing. I love it.” Shelby said, this time with a genuine smile on her face.

Shelby took a deep breath, then looked up at Toni,

”I just miss her so fucking much. Why didn’t I notice? Why didn’t I see something was wrong? She fell apart and I just let her and now she’s gone forever.” Shelby cried.

She didn’t know why she was opening up to Toni, maybe it was because she had done such a sweet thing for Shelby, or because she was the only one who bothered to come and look for her, but before she knew it, Toni was holding her in her arms and slightly swaying.

”It’s not your fault, Shelby. I may not know much about Becca, but I’m certain she wouldn’t want you to blame herself.” Toni whispered softly.

“I don’t know how to do this. I’m not ready for this.” Shelby whispered while breaking into sobs.   
  


“We will be with you every step of the way, there is no correct way to handle grief, Shelbs.”

Toni felt herself blush a little with the accidental nickname, but she pushed it to the side as now wasn't the time for it. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.” Toni said while hugging Shelby tighter.

What Toni didn’t know is that it meant a hell of alot to Shelby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any prompts let me know.
> 
> Also let me know if you want it to be slow burn? I hadn’t thought about that


End file.
